Tuesday, November 03, 2009

sad, mad, guilty

I don't want to talk about this, but I think I should, because some day someone will ask me what happened, and I don't really want to lie.

My little house chicken was killed by a hawk this afternoon. She'd been spending the days outdoors all along, only recently with the cage door open, but she never left the densely landscaped area outside the back door. The hawk went in after her.

I am completely sick about this, I feel horrible. I'm heartbroken that my sweet little chickie is dead, and I feel so guilty, like I was supposed to keep her safe and look after her and I failed. I'm a total wreck tonight, I can't stop crying and my head hurts so bad. It's not fair. I know, it's life, and it's life in the country and it happens and I couldn't very well keep her caged in the kitchen forever but dammit why her? If I hadn't put her out today, if I hadn't opened the cage, if I would have just penned her up with the other birds outside in the first place and never gotten to know her, if I could have gotten out the back door just five seconds sooner...

You wouldn't think one scruffy little blue chicken could wedge herself so firmly into a person's heart, but she sure did. I'm not going to be able to let any birds loose in the yard for the day anymore. It didn't used to be like this. Stupid #$%&ing Cooper's hawks!

I'm really taking this hard. Please don't call me to talk about this, I really can't without bawling.

Rest in peace, my little blue chickie. I'm so sorry.

6 comments:

Mike said...

Aw, shit, Katherine. I'm so sorry. I love you. Dad

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of this. As you told me, time will heal all wounds. -BMc

Rose and Kevin Re said...

Katherine,
So sorry for your loss. It's those ones we make the extra effort with that are the hardest losses. We hate the #$%^$$# hawks too.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about the house chicken. Life really stinks sometimes. Jen

Anonymous said...

Katherine,

I'm really sorry to learn of your loss and can only imagine how difficult this must be. The animals who share our lives are very special, aren't they. Thinking of you often right now, JPT

Sarah said...

Oh no... :( I'm so sorry. *Sends hugs*

I know for me it never gets easier when you lose a bird that you get attached to.

While watching the animals while my parents were out of town last weekend, I lost Clara, my 8-1/2-year-old Blue Cream Light Brown Dutch hen on Sunday after she had struggled for several days. I think a cold snap brought on pneumonia. I did my best for her, and it was so sad to watch her go downhill as I failed. But then again, Clara was old, her siblings had all had health problems, and she had lived a long, happy life up until then. Your little chickie was just a baby; all the more tragic. :(